Diaries of a Fast Food Queen

2 more! =)

2005-06-19T17:30:00.000-05:00

Two more pounds lost and more "are you loosing weight?". One from my *beep* supervisor and the other from the SO's sister. At first I was very surprised because of how "bad" I seem to have been but then realized that how bad I am now doesnt compare to how bad I use to be and didnt even realize it. For instance...this is what I use to eat in a typical day:

Breakfast: high sugar ceral
Snack: Chips
Lunch: Hamburger and fries w/ranch
Snack: Something sweet
Dinner: chicken w/mac and cheese and green beans
W/no water and mutliple dr peppers and or diet cokes

Hell no wonder I am 100 lbs overweight. Im still learning the right food combination to keep me full and keep the lbs off. Ive learned that if I let myself get into that "I could eat a horse" range then it sets me up for a binge. Ive also learned certain foods I cant eat even small portions. Another thing is to always have healthy food in the house because if theres nothing available I tend to eat out. An on going learning process.

Two girlfriends I work with and also live near...one who struggles with her weight and the another very skinny have started walking tues and thurs after work around the local HS track. I think Im going to walk MWF in the morning by myself and then on T/Th stick the SO w/babysitting duty and go with them. Walking seems to do well with me as long as its not treadmill walking. I feel like a hampster on a wheel and get bored easily not to mention the couch is near by. With going somewhere to walk you have a goal marker and then no matter what you have to walk back...well unless you have a driver you can call to come pick your lazy ass up.

2005-06-16T18:33:00.000-05:00

First off, is anyone well versed in style sheets / html? Im having issues with a new style sheet I want to use. While in mozilla it looks perfect but when viewed in IE everything is wrong. Any ideas?

I think Im done mopping. Mopping is such a horrible thing. Yeah life sucks right now...but there are always going to be days when life doesnt go the way you want it to. You just have to make the best out of it. I havent ate too badly, well except for today with that cheesecake. I havent walked since Monday and earlier today I made up my mind I wouldnt walk in the morning...ill just start back on Monday. Nope! After reading others posts I know that the "ill be good on monday" attitude is what brought me to 260 lbs. So tomorrow Ill go walking. Tomorrow ill pack my lunch instead of eating out. Tomorrow night when we go out to eat Ill eat healthy. Tomorrow night when we go to the movies Ill avoid snacks even if SO gets them. Ill be strong. Ill be stubborn. And Ill do good.

I decided to make a list of reasons to make a lifestyle to eat healthy and exercise. Feel free to add your own...there are many many reasons.

To avoid diabetes and other weight related diseases
To have more energy
To walk up stairs without passing out
To not sweat as much and chafe (as nasty as it sounds, you big girls know it happens)
To feel confident with yourself
To be able to accomplish something most cant
To see a runner and no longer be envious
To avoid becoming a walking heart attack
To get that "have you lost weight?"
To no longer have to shop in the "big girl section"
To have a better sex life (because some positions arent working and you know it)
To no longer have your weight hold you back from opportunities
To wear a bathing suit in public and feel sexy as hell
To be able to shop at Victoria Secret and ask "Do you have this in a smaller size?"
To encourage those around you that you can do it too
To teach by example so your children do face that same childhood you did
To go to your high school reunion and people not recognize you
To run into your exboyfriend and smile
To no longer feel bad because of the massive amounts of sugar and sodium you use to eat

And much much more....

Crappy, just plain crappy

2005-06-14T19:58:00.000-05:00

I havent been doing very well. Ive been very discourage and quite frankly just having a "I dont give a damn" attitude. I know wheres its coming from. Or at least now I do. Emotions. SO and I have been bickering and havent had time to ourselves in awhile which in turns makes me blow things mentally out of portion and think hes cheating on me, or he doesnt love me, or hes gay, ok maybe not the last one but I am queen of assuming the worse. He's been working alot of overtime so Ive been pulling double duty with C also. Work is as hetic as ever. C has been having "issues", ie she flipped a lil girl off because the lil girl said her shirt looked funny and over diva qualities coming out. To top it all off Im tired. Mentally and physically tired.

These are the same emotions that got me to the place I am now and I dont know what to do. How do I get out of this I dont give a damn mood? At my docs appt today for the the thyroid (im hypo), their weighed me, of course, and Im up 1.5 lbs since friday. I can just see all the hard work Ive done starting to slip away.

Ive been a bad bad girl...

2005-06-13T05:13:00.000-05:00

This weekend was....bad. Not downing cheeseburgers and cheesecake bad...but damn near close. I didnt count calories, I didnt eat right, and I didnt drink my water like I was suppose to. I kept using the horrible excuse "Im tired so I dont have to do well; Ill do better when Ive got my rest and eating healthy takes too much energy". I just want to slap myself upside the head. The reason Im tired is because im carrying an extra 100 lbs on my lungs, heart, and my poor lil bones. Hell yeah youd be tired too. Bad bad excuse. But instead of giving up now like I normally would im learning from it and moving on. I even got my very tired self up this morning to go walking.

Heres to another day...

2 more down

2005-06-10T20:53:00.000-05:00

2 more lost! Yes I do kick ass, thank you thank you very much. Another bit of inspiration is the fact that my friend sent me a picture of the bridesmaid dress she wants me to wear at her wedding in Nov.

.

This definately is not a "big girl" dress. You know the dress...a dress with a waist to hide the tummy and broad hips...and a dress with some type of sleeves to hide the "winged" effected. That ever popular underarm jiggle. Speaking of underarm jiggle there are a very parts of my body Id like to eventually see go. In rank they are:

1. tummy (the 3 tier effect....an upper tummy and eeek a lower tummy)
2. under arm bat wings uck
3. mushy thighs
4. this weird back love handle that is somewhat new

And why Im at it picking on the bad...time to look at the good. These are the things I love about my stubborn body:

1. My naturally curly auburn tinted thick hair
2. My lips
3. My peaches and cream complexion
4. My freckles
5. My eyes
6. My feet (dont ask)

Its nice to think of the positive from time to time...keeping the self esteem in check.

Oy vey

2005-06-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

My "lil friend" has finally come to visit me, and with a passion. In all reality all I want to do is crawl into bed with the ac turned low, in a large oversize tshirt and watch Oprah and cry. Because of my lil friend I whimped out and didnt go walking wednesday morning. Yeah yeah I know, walking helps cramps....but sleep helps cranky Ashley feel better =). Hopefully tomorrow morning I can pick back up because of weigh in tomorrow. Ive been doing very well diet wise...Im even thinking of bringing in down to 1200 instead of 1300. My only problem is dinner. I tend to eat most of my calories then when I need to eat more for breakfast. I also found out that SO's two sisters and two young nephews are coming over Sat for dinner and that one sister and the two boys are spending the night. Hopefully I wont overeat saturday. Its going to be hard, especially considering what im fixing; the complete southern meal: baked ham with brown sugar glaze, fresh green beans with newt potatoes cooked with slab, homemade baked mac and cheese, jiffy corn bread, and homemade baked beans with bacon. Oh and lets not forget the sweet tea that could cause diabetic shock. Yummm. This is why most of the south is big....we eat like this, sometimes daily.

I got one of those...

2005-06-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

I got my first "are you loosing weight?" comment today. Its been a wonderful, glorious day =). Ok worked sucked, Florida feels like a sauna right now, and finances are well, yuck. But! I it was a good day =). I also ate very well. I tweaked my calories, where I could save 20 here and save 20 there and stayed under 1300. Wasnt hungry either like I was yesterday. Yesterday I could have ate a small animal if it moved too slow. I was raviously hungry, and for no reason. That I know of at least.

The storms are rolling in right now but hopefully they'll be gone by tomorrow morning for my walk.

Im going to try bending myself into a very awkward position. Exercise Chick gave me this link: http://www.yogasite.com/sunsalute.htm
Ive tried yoga before. When of my better friends is an instructor. I even bought an at home dvd. I busted my head on the wall while trying some position I seriously believe God didnt mean for us to be in and that was the modified version. But this, this I think I can do.

Wish me luck.

1350 quickie post

2005-06-06T18:04:00.000-05:00

Ok so I aimed for 1300 but I am damn proud of myself and learned alot today. Especially where extra calories can quickly sneak in and add up, hat things I can truly do without and when I need to eat.

I went walking this morning and did a mile and a half in 30 mins. It usually takes me that long to walk a mile. So another improvement.

Tomorrow I hope to stay under 1300.

Rethinking

2005-06-05T18:30:00.000-05:00

I think im going to new a strategy makeover. This past week and this weekend Ive become lax and starting to head back into that "its ok to be big, lots of people are big" attitude. I know the size of a person isnt the question but how healthy is that person for a 5 foot 100 girl could be unhealthy if she downs 5 lbs of bacon with every meal. Mmm bacon. Anyways, so I hate to count absolutely hate it...but its the only way to get me to realize what im eating on a day to day basis so im *ack* going to count calories until I get back on track and trust myself a lil more. Im also going to trying walking a lil farther in the mornings. I only walk a mile now and not because im tired but because I get bored. Bored to the point I start playing "Name That Tune" in my head. Soooo I went to the great world of Wal Mart and bought a small inexpensive radio and some comfortable earphones to keep my ADD ass entertained. Im also going to add some type of evening at home exercise on the days I dont walk. Another idea I had is at work...I work as a court clerk which requires 8 hours of sitting and lil movement but I do, for the most part get two 15 mins break a day in which I usually go back to an unused conference room and siesta. Which actually I think does more harm than good because I become groggy so Im going to start taking a quick 15 min walk outside to wake me back up. Hopefully the combination of these things will give me more energy and also keep me on track.

Heres hoping.

1 more down

2005-06-04T18:20:00.000-05:00

Ive been a bad bad girl. Ok not too bad...but the lil devil on the shoulder did most of the talking since yesterday. SO and I have been fighting...about what im not entirely sure. I think it all boils to outside stress and being tired.

I weighed yesterday and only lost a pound...I know its because of that previous weekend and my sodium intake. Any loss is a better than a gain. Still kind of discouraging.

Yesterday I ate very well for breakfast and lunch and that night for dinner we had a night to ourselves. We went to Grill Masters and I had an 8oz with side salad and baked potatoe. I hate 4oz of the steak, a few bites of the potatoe and the side salad. So not too bad when it comes down to it. Afterwards we went and saw the Longest Yard which I most say tops my top 10 list. I even resisted all things buttery. One thing about the movies in a college town is that there are beautiful girls in tight skirts and halter tops. You see these girls eat two things of nachos, a large coke, some reeses and then a cigarette for desert...yet stay so small. Mother nature has a sense of humor.

Today I had to take the car and was hungry as a damn horse so ate the other 4 ozs of my steak...dont ask...I had a craving. We then went to Orange Park, a suburb of Jacksonville nearby and stopped at Wendys. I did very well =) I got a kids meal and a side chili. Almost of good and switch the fries for fruit but I lost that battle. Dinner tonight I ate a LC pizza and a side salad. Which brings me to now. I want to eat. No real reason. Not hungry. Stressed and tired, but not hungry. We went to the grocery store today and I loaded up on all things healthy so I have fruit to snack on but no junk food. This is all of those moments that im glad its out of sight out of mind. Although I had the thought of cooking a hotdog. Do you realize how much sodium is in a hot dog?!

The weekends are always hard.

Fazoli's is no longer my friend

2005-06-02T20:03:00.000-05:00

You know I always loved fazolis. Lots of pasta, lots of melted cheese, all in rich meat sauce. But now looking at it in a different light things of changed. I looked at the menu carefully, weighing my options. Nothing was really that healthy and oddly nothing seemed like it would taste that good....well, the cheesecake did look pretty damn good. They did however have a grilled chicken salad as there politically correct token health food. So thats what I ordered. It was horrible! The chicken was cold and rubbery and the salad tasted stale. Not to mention the only other veggie it had beside the green stuff was cherry tomatoes. Scratch that off the list.

I did great today. I felt nasty all day. It was one of those rainy days where you're tired and nothing seems to go right. I could not wait for five oclock. When I got home after I ate dinner I decided to do my dvd walk away the pounds just for the hell of it. I sent SO to the bedroom so he wouldnt laugh at my less than coordinated ass. I also tried a new recipe that at first SO was disgusted at the idea but it ended up tasting very very good.

Tomorrow is weigh in. Im nervous yet excited. Im not sure what this not so good weekend may have done. I do know that the scale isnt the only measure of success but we all know it'd be nice to see it go down. Im hoping for 2 lbs.

Heres what I ate:

Breakfast: 1 egg 1 piece of wheat toast 1 cup skim milk
Snack: half a cup of cashews
Lunch: see above for lifeless piece of marketed health
Dinner: 1 1/2 cup of speghetti made with wheat noddles and grilled chicken. Very tasty.

I need to work on my salt intake...

Tomorrow is walking morning.

Quckie

2005-06-02T05:12:00.000-05:00

Yesterday did fantastic...

Walked in the morning...drank my water like a good girl and ate:

Breakfast: 1 egg 1 piece of wheat toast with light jelly cup of skim milk
Snack: 2 cups of light popcorn
Lunch: Wonderful grilled chicken garden salad from Harrys
Snack: Watermelon
Dinner: One LC and one half cup of long grain rice.

Na na na na na na na naaaa batmaaaan

2005-05-31T18:17:00.000-05:00

Alright, wheres my damn batman cookie? I was good, very good. I feel back on track and I like it. Not that I ever strayed too far off but I could have done better. Perfectionist in the making. Carolyn, a lady I work with and whom Im doing this with was great support. She prevent me from skipping my packed lunch for chinese food and I kept her away from the dark side of dunkin' sticks. I didnt get to go walking this morning, rain nasty rain. Even though I could have gotten up and did a dvd, it wasnt my normal exercise day so im not too worried about it. It still pouring, God you have to love the "Sunshine State". Hopefully itll stop by morning or I will do my dvd.

What I ate:

Breakfast: 1 egg on wheat toast and 1 cup of skim milk
Snack: 1/2 cup lightly salted mixed nuts
Lunch: 1 frozen LC
Snack: 1 small blueberry muffin sugarfree but sweeten with applesause
Dinner: Broil chicken, long grain rice and mixed veggies

Speaking of the blueberry muffin. Theres this lady, whom I think is Little Debbie in disguise. Anyways, shes always baking wonderful yummy treats for us. Shes divorced and her youngest just moved out so I think its how she copes. Either way, I was always happily one of her testers. Last week she fixed a carrot cake that normally Id tear into but resisted all day. She heard of all our new weight efforts alot of us were taking so late last week she brought fruit and today the healthy muffins. Little Debbie is my new hero.

We need to go to the grocery store but ill have to wait until tomorrow.

Btw, C started summer camp today. She didnt seem to like it too much...was shy and didnt know anyone. Hopefully shell make friends quickly and will enjoy it.

Please define uck.

2005-05-30T18:58:00.000-05:00

I feel yucky. Wait, I feel beyond yucky, I feel just plain "why did I crawl out of bed this morning". I did however crawl out of bed to go walking. I was scared I would snooze becuase of it being memorial day, and know I considered it, deeply, I got my ass up and went for a 45 min walk. It helped clear my mind of something that was bothering me from the night before..I also went exploring and got lost ...whoops. This morning for breakfast I did fantastically. I cooked the SO and C bacon and eggs and I had an egg on wheat toast with shredded cheese and resisted the bacon. I did this by only fixing enough for them and putting the pack up. Then I cleaned like a mad woman...mopping, sweeping, bleaching, anything and everything. For lunch I did ok also, salad with grilled chicken, a cup of white corn chips with salsa, and a cup of black beans. Then I got sleepy...very sleepy. So I napped for almost two hours and since then I havent felt quite right. I woke up hungry, very hungry and snacked on some cheezits and fig newtons. Mindless eating. Then we had a memorial day bbq...holidays are pure evil. I had a hamburger plan, no bun, brown rice with black beans and green peas. I still had the munchies later and ending up eating a hotdog. All and all this weekend I havent done very well but it could have been much much worse. Hopefully tomorrow by going to work I can get back into the swing of things and maybe add extra distance to my walking this week or add a dvd in on one off my off days, hmm yes that sounds good =).

A little TMI but my menses are off. I dont like this. Ive always been regular, even though im big. Im not too far off, only by about a week but it still makes me iffy. I went through the regular PMSing but then no friendly neighboorhood visitor. Maybe shes just being friendly and waiting for memorial day weekend to be over. If nothing by wed Im taking a trip to the drug store. Wouldnt that be the damnest of irony. Finally getting my weight in check and then needing to store in the M side of the clothing store. Oy vey. Maybe this combined with this weekend combined with the nap is what has me so off.

Tomorrow is another day.

I came, I saw, and I only slightly conquered...but was not defeated

2005-05-29T20:14:00.000-05:00

I wont say I was as successful as I could have been but I do believe it could have been far worse. Was put in a horrible environment toppled with a not so encouraging family.

What I ate: @ 3 cups of speghetti...I had aimed for 1.
a cup of salad
2 oreo cookies

But I did resist cake, lil evil chocolate lil debbie bastards, seconds (as though 3 cups wouldnt have been enough in the first place), and a heavy dinner tonight when I got home. Funny thing, the more you eat during the day somehow makes you want to keep that pattern up that night. For instance you eat all you can possibly stuff into your ungrateful stomach on Christmas day to turn around that night and feel like you have to eat again. I think that may be the classic binge in disguise.

Tomorrow back on track. I goofed, I accept, I admit, I wont batter myself over it. Lol, whats funny is when I typed batter I immediately thought of licking the batter off the spoon when making a cake. Hello, my name is Ashley and I am a junk food addict. Stone me now.

Walking tomorrow morning even though we have it off for Memorial Day. Plan on waking up at 630 instead of the chipper 445.

Ive been drowning in links to personal weight loss success stories. There are some really good ones out there then there are those of failures or non updates. Ive also been reading of how alot of people are gymers. Those who go to a gym use evil treadmills, take kick boxing and spinning classes. On a sidenote, how does one possibly spin an entire class of spinning a lil hard seat. Do they have big butt cycles that could be reserved? I doubt it. Unfortunately we dont have said options were I live. I work in a larger town but live in a smaller town. The said larger town does have said gyms but we have to leave straight from work to get C before daycare closes. Speaking of C, she starts the YMCA's summer camp program on Tuesday. I think im more excited than she is. They go swimming every Monday with field trips every Friday and basketball, baseball, crafts, and storytime in between. Back on track again, I like to cycle. Or at least I did when I did go to a gym. We have a rather large cycling community here. For instance, there was a group of cyclers that biked from Gainesville were I work, through Starke where I live, to Jacksonville on the coast. About a total of 65 miles. Passed them one day on the way to work last week. To sum it it, I felt envious. Jealous that they were able to train and control their bodies to do such things. Jealous that they were in a way stronger than me to put in the hard work and jealous at how happy they look. I want a bike. .... but with a big seat.

Ive been down this weekend. Partly that even though I got to see my brother I know it will be a long time before I get to again, partly that I havent ate as well as I could, and partly because when I look at the pictures took this weekend I see the truth. I havent had a picture taken of me at this weight. I couldnt believe what I saw. You know when you pose in the mirror you have the best lighting and are position in such a way as to hide the tire. This was afternoon outside light with a not so flattering outfit, in an absolutely horrible outfit. I wanted to cry. I couldnt believe it. I deleted them, I couldnt handle it. After I deleted them I realize I need pictures like those. Pictures to remind me of what I have become, what im trying to get away from, and when Ive reached my goal, how far ive come so as not to get back here. So I had the SO take the ever popular "before" pictures. Once I saw those I once again cried, but kept these. Hidden away. For every 20 lbs lost Ill take a new picture.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Getting a little bit more difficult...

2005-05-28T16:53:00.000-05:00

Friday I am extremely proud of myself. I went to out to eat where I get the same artery clogging food....I was scared, I was worried, I was tested. But I did fantastically. I got a grilled chicken sandwich on wheat bread with pineapple and strawberry side with a diet coke....yes, I do kick ass. Today my brother came down from Atlanta whom I hardly get to see anymore. We had a bbq in the town I grew up on a lake. I did ok, not fantastically but as hard as Ive worked this week I seriously doubt it will cause much harm. I did go a lil over board with chips and dip *slaps hand* but I drank water and skipped the toffee brownies my aunt makes.....my family is all larger. We are also very good cooks that believe in using butter, lard *its a southern thing* or bacon in most recipes. We are the deep south. Tonight Im opting to skip dinner with just maybe some popcorn if I actually do get hungry, which I seriously doubt it.

Tomorrow is another test. Im going back to see my grandma and my brother before he leaves and shes cooking the ultimate sin. Her spaghetti. Moderation will be the key.

My "Victory" bracelet came today. You see, when ever I attempt to change my habits before I would literally forget that im trying to eat better, as horrible as it sounds. Its almost like I hard wired the instincts in for "seconds" and endless mindless eating. I would eat way beyond my limits and not even think twice that I was trying to eat better then would realize it later. Alot like sex with someone you know you shouldnt do but at the time you dont think about it, until you're laying their and hes asleep and you the words "what the hell did I just do" leaves your lips. So I found a bracelet, like Lance Armstrongs Live Strong yellow bracelets except this one says Victory that ill constantly wear to remind of what im trying to do and that I can do it. I really didnt want bright look at me yellow but thats all they had for victory. Amazingly wide variety of colors for drama queen though.

Oh! I almost forgot. I weighed myself on Monday when I first started with the scale we have in the office and me and my coworker would then weight every friday. So I weighed myself yesterday and from Monday to Friday I am down 5 lbs. Bring me down from 268.5 to 263.5! I want to do this slow, and right. I know the first week is always the most but here on out I hope to loose an average of 2 lbs a week. My ultimate goal of 165-150 (depending on how my body reacts) has no time line. I know this is going to be a constant battle, but I believe ive taken the first step.

2005-05-26T19:35:00.000-05:00

Inspiration
My fat ass size 22 would love to eventually be able to wear this in a size 12...

DAY 3

2005-05-25T18:22:00.000-05:00

Today was also very good. I woke up, went for my walk, shaved 3 mins off my time and ate very well today. Wasnt hungry this morning...I believe from all the protein I ate from breakfast. Also had my first eating out challange and did very well.

What I ate:

Breakfast: 1 piece of toast with 2 scrambled eggs lightly sprinkled with shredded cheese and one glass of skim milk

Lunch: Chef salad, no bacon and watermelon

Dinner: Salad with small portion of steak SO grilled topped with shredded cheese...mmmm

Im almost amazed at how much easier it seems this time, its as though im doing it for the right reasons, that I have the right motivation.

DAY 2

2005-05-24T18:41:00.000-05:00

Today was a lil bit tougher but still passed with flying colors. Was hungry all day, not sure why. Had to fight to urge to binge on anything in site. Drank all my water though =). I think I was tired and stressed which was the real reason I was so hungry...or it could be going from eating double cheeseburgers to brown rice that did it...Im thinking the latter.

What I ate today:

Breakfast: Bagle / Watermelon / Half a cup of coffee

Snack: 1 cup of slightly salted mixed nuts

Lunch: 1 LC and watermelon

Dinner: Broiled chicken, 1 cup brown rice, 1 cup mixed veggies that were actually very good

I even resisted the urge to pick while cooking dinner.

Tomorrow I walk again...

DAY 1

2005-05-23T18:25:00.000-05:00

I want to climb to the highest mountain in a very fashionable Gucci dress and declare for all the world to hear:

I did it!

Ok, so its only day one but its a start. I woke up at 445 with little problem, even after cat fighting with the SO all night and went for my walk. I walked a mile in a little under an half an hour. I quickly realize that I need new tennis shoes...it seems my foot has gotten a lil fatter too. I did very well meal wise also. I am going to make sure I have healthy snack options near me to fight the Evil Vending Machine. When I was hungry I also decided to wait 15 mins and if I was still hungry I could eat something. Worked fantastically.

Heres what I ate:

Breakfast: Two pieces of wheat toast with one slice slightly buttered with low fat margain with one scrambled egg and one glass of skim milk

Snack: Half a cup of slightly salted mixed nuts

Lunch: One frozen LC

Snack: One kellogs special K bar

Dinner: Grilled chicken (roasted garlic) salad with a cup of baked tositos topped with salsa and a lil bit of shredded cheese. Oh, I also munched on some watermelon while dinner was cooking.

The SO who is bigger but sexy as hell in my opinion has been feeling bad about his weight. I suggested we do this together but he is very pestimistic and thinks he'll fail, that he's incapable of losing weight so he'll just get bigger. He has been moping around all weekend about it. Not entirely sure what to do. I told him I love him how he is but if it was making him unhappy and he wanted to loose weight for health reasons I would be more than willing to support him. I plan on walking 3 days a week at first, MWF, so I suggested, since one of us has to stay home with C, that he could walk T,TH,Sa. I also told him I could make healthier meals for him also and betray all my southern teachings. Hes very upset about it but doesnt seem to want to do anything about it. I know as well as anyone else that you cant loose weight until you decide to do it, no one can tell you to. But I wish he would, I dont want him to develope more complications. His cholesterol is already frightening. Hopefully my leading as an example will encourage him. I love him too much for him to do this to himself, for him to be this unhappy. Good eating habits on our part will also prevent C from living the type of life I went through as a kid. (insert self-wallowing here)

A friend of mine whom I work with was admitted into the ICU on Sunday. She was in diabetic shock. She never even knew she had diabeties. Her doctor said it wasnt genetic for her, but rather contributed by her weight and bad eating habits. Wake up call.

Hopefully tomorrow will be as successful as today. Im hungry but am scared what to eat and not eat. Im scared to go into the kitchen in fear of starting a binge. I know my body is adjusting so its going to be like this for a little bit. Im very tired because of the fighting last night and when im tired I tend to eat, alot. You know, maybe I should just make it an early night. C is in bed and taken care of and SO is watching the tv. Yes sleep sounds very nice.

Do I Have To?

2005-05-22T14:05:00.000-05:00

Im scared. Im scared to start again tomorrow. Im scared to fail again. My biggest issue is that I don’t eat because im hungry, lord if that was the case I would walk around naked in public with a big sign that says proud and healthy. No, my stomach doesnt tell me when to eat, what to eat, or how much to eat...yup...you know...that lil annoying organ called a brain does. I eat when im tired. I ate when Im stressed. I eat when I cant think of nothing else to do but eat. I eat because I can. I think eating will make me feel better. Ive used this excuse one too many times: its ok to eat the candy bar, my blood sugar is low, after all you wouldnt want me passing out because my body needs these four nutty buddys. Or, its ok to eat this badly, your blood pressure is fine, you healthy as a horse, just one big ass horse, but thats ok too, you have a boyfriend who finds you sexy. I have every excuse imaginable and some unimaginable. Its true, I dont have health issues resulting from my weight, that is as of yet. My only health issue is an underactive thyroid, and no thats not why im fat. The double from wendys followed my a nap is why im fat. Fat and truthful I am. And I also have the added benefit of always carrying my weight well...most people think I weigh 200lbs. Oh, wouldnt that be nice.

You see, I havent always been as big as I am now. Dont get me wrong, I was "healthy" from age 5. Combination of tv babysitting and full time parent whose cooking skills resulted in many nights of The Golden Arches. Around age 16 is when I really started putting it on. Also the same time my alcoholic mother (no, im not bitter) started to crack apart. So I started working 2 jobs in high school to support our family while trying to maintain the idea of a scholarship. Then after high school I work 2 jobs and went to night school. It was too much for me, but I didnt realize it. From age 16 to age 20 I was on auto-pilot. I went from 175 lbs to 265, where I am now. Almost 100lbs in 4 years. Sad part is, I never even realized it.

Thats four years of incorporating bad habits into my brain's wiring. Four years of a fast food, no time for exercise lifestyle. Four years of just not giving a damn. So Im suppose to be able to undue those four years? I know you cant wake up one morning and forget everything you knew and live a completely healthy lifestyle. If you could, Id be in bed as we speak. I have no desire for weight loss pills, gastro surgery, starvation, or anything type of diet that just involves cabbage. Those methods wont get to the core problem, theyll just fix the results. The core problem is I dont know how to handle stress, frustration, loneliness, tiredness, or boredom. For that very reason Im not starting a diet. A diet just focuses on food and exercise. Im starting a lifestyle change. I need to rewire my circuits (hopefully without frying my brain). Learn new foods besides the ones I grew up with (combination or heavy sauces and southern fried cooking yummm). Learn exercises that I actually enjoy. I hate treadmills. They are evil, pure unaltered evil from those with the ADD / Klutz combo. I do enjoy canoeing, and tennis, walking, hiking, and biking. I dont do gyms very well. Passing out on a stair climber beside Mr Hunkolicous is not good for ones ego. I also have to learn how to deal with my problem surroundings, ie a five year and a SO whose perfectly happy with his weight and eating.

So, after all that rambling what I have I formulated? Glad you asked, here is the game plan which can and most likely will be edit....

GOALS:

* To be Soda Free (exception being diet soda)
* To Avoid Fast Food at all Costs (I cant order a salad, ive tried, its best for me to stay away)
* To Plan Meals (so as not to take the easy option)
* To Frequent the Grocery Store
* To Replace Mac n Cheese Foods for Whole Foods
* To Begin to Walk in the Mornings 3 days a Week
* To Learn How to Eat Out Healthy
* To not get Discouraged with Failure
* To Avoid Refined Sugar
* To Avoid Refined Starches
* To Plan Snacks to Fight Work Place Vending Machine Disorder
* To Stay Hydrated
* To Journal Daily (if possible)
* To Remeber Why Im doing this....

So tomorrow it begins. Im going to the store tonight to pick up some healthier options and am laying my workout clothes out for in the morning to aid in the Snooze Button Disorder.

Wish me luck.

2005-05-21T21:14:00.000-05:00

There are alcohol addicts, drug addicts, smokers, the greatly varied mental disorder sufferers, and then theres me, the fast food addict whose biggest kryptomite is exercise. I have join gyms, and lost much money and no lbs. I have set up exercise schedules that have yet to make it longer than 3 weeks. I have tried every diet known to woman and some I invented myself. Take my word for it, you can not survive on cereal alone. I have bought books and dvds. I have embarrassed myself with home yoga, no details needed. I have enlisted other addicts like myself in my never ending quest and we all have failed marvelously. All in the search of the holy grail. The treasure chest that consists of health, happiness, and a new wardrobe.

What makes this time different? Nothing. Nothing at all. No cure all that Ive suddenly discovered. Just the once again realization that while I may fail, I have to try once more. This could be the time that things begin to click and Id rather try and fail than surrender. Surrendering is not an option.

So the attack plan you might ask? Do I count calories or points? That I havent yet decided. I have, however, decided that I will overcome my snooze button addiction and begin walking in the mornings. Time is scarce so mornings is the only option for now.

I shall start off slow and carefully. I shall document this quest for the hope that one day I can read back for encouragement and I vow not to let this blog of mine fall into the desert wasteland of abandoned blogs.

Time for the honest ugly truth. All with weak stomachs and loose lips stop now...for you wont like what is about to follow.

Date: 5-21-05
Age: 21
Height: 5'5
Weight: 265lbs
Size: 22
Goal: 255
Ultimate Goal: 150

And so it begins...stay tune.

2005-05-21T20:45:00.000-05:00

Only one sibling can be dashingly beautiful, yes?

2005-05-21T20:44:00.000-05:00

Me, in all my glory.